#DecolonisingWellbeing 🤝 We can find common ground!

😡 Let’s get this straight, first and foremost: arguments and conflict are going to be part of life, no matter what. It’s part of being a child, parent, sibling, decision-maker, changemaker, visionary, coworker, friend, romantic partner, and human. As discussed in last week’s post on Generational Trauma, there can be so many barriers to healing. If we value diversity, a bit of human conflict once in a while should be anticipated, as part of our human balance. Thus, instead of setting ourselves the (impossible) goal of eliminating trauma and conflicts, we should work towards building our capacity for repair, whenever we can. If the balance is tipped in favour of too much conflict, we must learn how to tip the balance back onto common ground.

😤 Most people are no stranger to conflicts with people of older or younger generations, where each side leaves feeling like finding common ground is impossible, due to irreconcilable, fundamental differences. Conflicts can create trauma for everyone involved, resulting in frustration, in deeper intergenerational fractures, and with members of each generation reaffirming unfair and harmful generalisations about others.

🥺 But what if what lies beneath the frustration is just a deep grief that we have failed to connect with our elders and descendants? What if our angry outbursts, projections, avoidance of issues, and ego-driven need to convince others of our viewpoints, are just rooted in a desire to be understood? What if all we want is to be heard, seen, valued, loved, respected, validated, and humanised by our parents, children, siblings, managers, coworkers, teachers, students, and others who might see the world differently to how we do?

Let’s reflect, and take action to improve how we intergenerationally connect.

1) 👩‍👩‍👧‍👧Get educated about intergenerational differences: As with all stereotypes, stereotypes about different generations are sometimes rooted in some truth, as well as generalisations and misunderstandings. Nevertheless, relying too much on stereotypes when placing judgement about other generations can perpetuate generational misunderstanding, harm, and division. Learning more about different generations’ lived experiences and making an effort to ‘put oneself in the shoes of others’ are ways we can build our empathy for others.

Finding common ground: Connecting over media

Gather your intergenerational community together to share photos, films or videos representative of each other’s childhoods, and talk about what they mean to you. Media can serve as a time capsule for experiences of bygone eras, and helps us better understand each others’ lived experiences, even if we cannot relive those experiences ourselves.

💌2) Understand how different generations communicate differently: No matter how adamantly we believe that the way our generation talks is the best and only way to communicate, if everyone lived by this, it is going to be very difficult for us to ever build real intergenerational solidarity! This does not mean we need to change the way we are - it might just mean that we need to make a collective effort to bridge gaps in understanding. In a similar way to how we learn each others’ languages to break down cultural barriers, we can work together to break down ‘generational language barriers.’ Let’s practise asking each other what we mean, and give others the space to explain further, rather than reacting too hastily with anger and frustration.

Finding common ground: Breaking down intergenerational language barriers

Instead of feeling and remaining frustrated at how generations communicate, we encourage all to become actively curious in each others’ communication styles. Asking other generations to explain their slang, culture, and jargon is a great conversation starter, and way to perhaps better understand their ‘culture’ and behaviours. For example, if you are a member of Gen X trying to understand Gen Z and Gen Alpha humour, ask them to try to explain it. Though you might never understand it fully, the ability to connect through humour is considered a sign of high emotional intelligence (World Economic Forum, 2017) as well as a great way to spread joy and laughter!

🫀3) Sometimes common ground is best found in the absence of each other:

Feeling emotionally ‘triggered’ by community members as a result of generational differences is often a sign of a need for healing of emotional and relational wounds, for everyone involved. Facing triggers can help us grow - but when the triggers get too overwhelming, facing them can sometimes do more harm than good. Effectively asking for, and taking space, is just as important as facing our emotions head-on, as part of our collective healing journeys. The saying goes such that “distance makes the heart grow fonder.” Sometimes it is easier to find common ground when we spend time apart from those we are in conflict with, to repairing our wounds and gain perspective.

Our inner children often yearn for validation, feelings of safety, and love from those who were supposed to be our caregivers. But many of us who have lived / are actively living in maladaptive environments shaped by systemic injustice (e.g. an abusive household, neighbourhood, workplace, or romantic relationship) are familiar with the turmoil of having a love-hate relationship with these spaces and its community members. People in these situations are often torn between their feelings of responsibility to stay in their community, to take care of it (e.g. children who feel obliged to take care of parents, even if those parents are abusive), or to leave to put themselves first (e.g. children who make the difficult decision to ‘cut off’ their parents because of the trauma that was inflicted).

Everyone deserves redemption, patience, and room for growth - however, we must also recognise the human limitations that stand in our way. Our loved ones might not always be able to heal at the speed or level we would want them to, especially when they have been ‘programmed’ to be a certain way for a very long time or at a high intensity (e.g. a grandparent in their 70s who has lived through multiple pivotal personal life milestones, as well as through traumatising global events, might be less open or equipped for healing than an 18-year-old who is surrounded by supportive community and mental health resources).

We all deserve to distance ourselves, let go of, or leave situations and people who actively cause us trauma, even if they are situations and people we love or are familiar with. For those of younger and older generations alike, it is important to accept that our inner children deserve to feel safe, even if it means we need to get space or distance (e.g. moving out of an abusive household is completely understandable, whether permanently or temporarily, even if they have provided you shelter and love at times). No matter how hard they might have tried, if our caregivers continue to make our inner children feel unsafe, we deserve to find peace elsewhere. It is not selfish to seek emotional safety, and your emotional safety is just as important as that of your loved ones

Affirmations for finding common ground, by taking some time to be apart

“Even though I will never be able to see the world through your eyes, I respect your generation, and all you have done for our world. I hope you can respect how this is the same for me and my generation.”
“I do not want our generational differences and conflicts to break our relationship beyond repair. Spending some time apart might help us gain perspective, and learn to better appreciate each other.”
“Sometimes leaving is the most courageous and necessary thing I can do for our community’s wellbeing and my own.”
“I relieve myself of the guilt I feel for taking space away from someone I love but who has hurt me. I needed to do this for my own peace and wellbeing.”

💬4) The Common Ground: Even if we were all brought up in different contexts, we are all human no matter what! Deep down, we all want and need similar things, even if we express it differently.

Finding common ground: Reflect and discuss, individually or collectively - how do different generations…